autism

Anger Plus Fear to Acceptance and Healing

Learning to Heal

Age 51 almost 52.                                                                                           Now to declare,                                                                                               A child no more.                                                                                         Taken plenty of years, prayers and therapy.    

Crazy ideas.                                                                                                   I thought I could do!                                                                               Releases frozen and failure to now have pleasure.                                         Self traps, wrong impressions and conclusions.  

Why I ask did I task,                                                                                   Over little insignificant outside worry,                                                       Always in a hurry,                                                                                         Do deny there was a problem I was basking in?                                            

Fear of shouting,                                                                                             Fear of fighting,                                                                                         Desire to protect,                                                                                 Redirected and caused me to project.                                                              

A facade                                                                                                       of control                                                                                                       to extent                                                                                                   nerves serverly contracted.  

If only this and that,                                                                                       Have backup for a backup,                                                                       Smooth running, No yelling,                                                               Happiness!  Everyone is Pleased!                                                            

Knotted stomach,                                                                                     Feelings of being unsafe.                                                                            Not my child(ren),                                                                                           I will guard them against the hazards of life!  

Never would I have imagined,                                                                   What turned up.                                                                                              No one ever can guess being resigned                                                           To discover a life’s frighting nightmare.  

Playing fair but then I stare,                                                                     Right into my upbringing and it is declared;                                                 The definition pertains to specific relations,                                                    As many proclaim they judge but must not withstand the same tribulations.

How I got to this point,                                                                                 And out of joint,                                                                                         Seems null and void,                                                                                       No longer can I deny,                                                                                    

Learning to heal,                                                                                             Is understanding how to feel,                                                                 Recognize accept,                                                                                       Deal with the emotions wheel!  

Through the process,                                                                             Rethink the embarrasement,                                                                           Learn no shame,                                                                                           For that I had no control.                                                                        

Understanding victimization,                                                           Circumstances lead to stituations,                                                             Giving or surrending my power,                                                                       Yet, it is my time to tower.                                                                                                                                                                                                   To start fresh,                                                                                                  I must declare,                                                                                         This is a stretch, of change committed.                                                           I will not bare any more personal excuses.  

Forward in my life,                                                                                           I go, looking on the fresh vision,                                                                       I will define.  Now let me regain, I have a brain, am not lame, prancing on to delight. 

This series will be the story of my learning curve to healing.  That means dealing with with an alcoholic background that doesn’t fit the norm.  My home was filled with love but dysfunction.  Promises made were kept.  Codepency and addiction are words that bother me.  For they seem they must coexist.  I am not addicted to drugs and seldom drink alcohol.  I swore that evil of a devil would never coexist around my child(ren).

The truth is I have some bones to dig up and rebury in a correct final resting place.  I do this for no one but myself.  Except I guess I do it for my son.  

On top of this I have to admit my marriage has some extra irriatations that must be fleshed out.  This goes the gambit.

If this were not enough, I have an anger issues from a brain issues that is now apparent whether I like it or not.  Learning to hold my tongue and see it is hard. Taking medication for conditions I was programed to see as an embarrasement is as they say going to take some getting over.  But miserable is a lumpy couch that gets worse with time. 

Part of this is a recording for myself.  Another is a pledge to my family.  Still I pray and hope this might hit a cord with a fellow.  Stop it while you can before half you life had been lived.  Trust me my therapist has spent a few years getting me to even talk.  If this story makes you think….It might save you time, money and heartache.  If it does, I will have served the purpose God had in mind.

 Ollamok

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